haiis. my feelin r so mixed up these few days.

y do i have to love someone so much. be so faithful. love him 101%. when i dunno whats the outcome of our relationship? deep down inside i'm crying. puting on a fake smile everytime. the kaixin which ppl tot i was. precisely. happy the way my name is. but its not. everyday before i sleep before i dream. i tink of him. it brings me to tears. but i jus want to tink of him everyday. to feel the love i have for him. to remember it always. i'm afraid i might forget it one day.

i dunno. i jus love him alot. alot of peep has been tell me to give up the r/s. but i jus cant. i jusss cant... i keep waiting for the moment. where i can feel is love. where i can n assurance from him that he loves me only. but i'm jus not assured. that y i keep asking. do u love me? do u miss me?

i do not trust him alot. due to alot of stuff that happened. but i try to. i really try. i always try to assure myself. but i know its self denial. i know i'm lying to myself sometimes. but i just cant help it.

somehow i feel he dun trust me at all either. he dun tell me alot of stuff. i dunno his passwords or pin no. either. when i see customers buy stuff. their gf always know her bf pin no. i'm not saying all couple. but haiis i envy the trust. when i see couples walking on the streets hand n hand n smiling n luffing while enjoy that moment. i'm envious. i too wish for such happiness. but i jus cant seem to get it.

seeing people get roses for valentines. great birthday presents. romantic aniversary dinners. haiis. if i can xchange something for that i would give it all to xchange such happiness. i too dread such happiness. dreamt of such happiness. but i nv seem to be able to get there.

what i ultimately wished for is his love. for him to remember my birthdays n our aniversaries. for him to proudly tell the world i'm his gf and he love me alot. i dun xpect an expensive gift. i jus want a gift that has been bought to made thru his efforts and that he took time to tink hard what gift would be perfect. ask his friends to help tink of it too. even if the present jus cost a dollar.

i wish for him to hug me like he nv want to let go. kiss me as thou he adores me. look at me when i sleep. tell me he loves me from time to time when he really means it with his whole heart. make me laugh. cheer me up when i sad. send me home from work. haiis.

there were times when he was sweet. asking me to take care of my health. take me to see the doctor. asking me to sleep early. the most memorable time was when he told me he love me. i will nv forget that day. even if its was jus an sms. i keep all the sweet msges he gave me. in my heart i will nv forget. the first kiss we had was the most romantic thing that happened to me.

but i know i'm not his ideal partner that he will be romantic to. he told me. i know. but i try my very best to be the best gf. better then any of the gf's he had. i tried real hard. i tried to fulfill almost every wishes he has for me. i took the effort to try to slim down too when he said i was too much on the heavier side. which guy dun wan to have a beautiful gf rite? ate only 1 meal a day was all i did. lost 2kg but being slimmer is still far away.

with every i love u i've said. i've put all my heart into it. thou i say it often. because i do. i feel happy buying breakfast for him to eat. helping him to clean his room. taking the effort to travel to yishun to meet him whenever i can in the early mornings.

i'm not sure if he appriciates my efforts or not. but i've nv stop putting effort ever since we were together. since 3 yrs ago. but we had a 1 yr break. in between from now.

sometimes i feel like giving up. i'm afraid all ive done would go to waste. that i would not feel his love even if it takes 10yrs. i've waited for so long. its not as easy to say give up jus like that. its easy to say but it hard to let go of someone whom u love for so long. i guess a few peeps here should know how hard it is to let go.

the bottom line is i love him too much to let go. deep down inside i dun wish to. but somehow i feel one day i will. without any choice. i have to. when a person dont love u. its better to let go rite? i dont knwo i really dont know. i jus wish for the moment to come. the moment i've long for. the moment to feel that i'm his only girl. his love. his life. i jus hope i can hold on long enough for that moment. i really did my all best. for the one i love. i dun want to be a burden. or a toy that could be replaced easily when a new n more beautiful toy is found. i want to be the air that he breathes. i'm his n he's mine. jus as simple. loving u.

my one n only. sheng.